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Wednesday, 20 December 2017

Important Christmas Message From The Ministry Of Hurt Feelings

by Tim Murray, Press Officer


Butthurt Report


Dear Victim of Hurtful Remarks, Images or Perceived Micro-aggressions,

Christmas time can be and often is a difficult time for many of us. Christmas can bring back happy memories of joyful times, good cheer and love for all of humankind. It can be a traumatic experience. Especially for those of us who are dedicated to making people around us feel as miserable as we feel in the service of a cause that will make the world a better place.

This momentary intrusion of blissful thoughts can severely impair your mission of fomenting discord, provoking confrontations and raising awareness about just how oppressed members of your identity group really are. Good feelings, however fleeting, can ruin your budding career as a Social Justice Warrior (SJW).

Thankfully, as more young people roll off the assembly line of Indoctrination University, we are witnessing a sea change in the way people see themselves. Gone will be the days of Mary Poppins and Wayne Dyer, when people were led to believe that they had a right to be happy. Still, a lot of work needs to be done. They are still a great many Canadians who refuse to hate their European heritage or be consumed by Western guilt and self-loathing.

Nevertheless, we can indeed be encouraged by our progress. In fact, ironically, we are now victims of our own success. So many Canadians have been converted to unhappiness that their complaints have outstripped our capacity to assess them. Consequently many of those who have filed complaints about how their feelings have been hurt are now feeling hurt by our failure to expeditiously acknowledge and record them. Hence, their self-image as victims is being reinforced to the point that more and more of what they see and hear is interpreted as offensive, leading them to file yet more complaints. It's a vicious cycle. Therefore we must inform the terminally aggrieved that a new policy is now in place. To restate the words of our most recent communiqué,
Due to the ever increasing number of hyper-sensitive Canadians who have chosen to take offence at nearly everything, the Ministry of Hurt Feelings is swamped with human rights complaints. Our staff simply cannot handle the volume. Accordingly, to better process them, we now require that complainants first fill out a report form giving the time and date that you were hurt, and rating how hurt you really were. In that way, we can triage complaints so that less frivolous complaints receive a higher priority than the rest of the frivolous complaints.
We urge that you take several days before submitting this form, because in the interim a Women's Studies professor, Diversity Awareness facilitator or Workplace Harassment Officer might persuade you that you are even more hurt than you initially thought you were. There still remains a vast pool of potential victims out there who until now have been unjustifiably contented, positive, and mentally balanced contributors to the well-being of our society. This is no longer acceptable. Not now. And certainly not in 2018.

Social progress depends on discontent. Happiness and congeniality cannot be allowed to impede your crusade to eradicate every vestige of White male privilege, transphobia, homophobia, Islamophobia, racism, species-ism and every other blight that afflicts this rotten Western Civilization. A civilization of little accomplishment, save the rule of law, the presumption of innocence, property rights, contract law, freedom of expression, women's suffrage, the separation of religion and state, and similarly negligible improvements.

If you are struggling with happiness, remember, you are not alone. There is no shame in it. It is not a character flaw. In fact, two in five Canadians report that they have, at least in once in their lives, suffered from happiness or contentment. Even married people have had these moments.

This has had an untold impact on our GDP, and on the lives of friends and family members. So don't hold it in any longer. Talk about it. Seek help. And know that there is help available. In fact, if you are insufferably buoyant as a result of not looking for opportunities to feel hurt and offended, you can call our toll free Crisis Line at 1‑800‑FEM‑RAGE or, if you are calling locally, dial 416‑SJW‑IHATE.

And remember to fill out the form above.

Yours sincerely,
Tim Murray
p.p. I.M. Zorrie
Ministry of Hurt Feelings
146 Wellington Street
Ottawa, Canada K1A 0A6

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