|Five year old indigenous boy enjoying Anthony Bourdain. The part is unknown.|
Sunday January 8th 2017 on CNN: Anthony Bourdain travels to "Parts Unknown" where he meets up with an obscure Amazonian tribe of cannibals who sample him.
But apparently even headhunters couldn't stomach him, as several of them have subsequently died from bacterial gastro-entritus. Doctors Without Borders have been flown in to help these stricken human beings, as well as CNN camera crew who hope to capture pictures of a little Amazonian native 5 year old boy washed up on the shores of one of the great river's tributaries.
It is hoped that this heart-rending photo will go viral and spark Angela Merkel to air-lift the whole tribe and settle them in Germany. Apparently low-income German tenants of an apartment block in Cologne will be kicked out to make room for them. Rumour even has it that many Amazonians have already arrived, as skulls of missing women have been found throughout the city after a downtown New Year's Eve celebration.
Merkel is denying any connections between these incidents and the Amazonian refugee headhunters, and both the police and the German MSM are refusing to describe these cannibals as "Amazonian." Citizens who do will be charged with a hate crime and suffer fines or incarceration. Merkel's right-hand "man," or should we say "left-hand" man and former Stasi informer, Anette Kahane, will monitor them closely.
Skeptical critics, however, have noticed that 95% of the tribesmen are young adult males wearing designer clothing and carrying hand-held devices. Some of them even look African, according some reports. The German Chancellor, reacting sharply to these allegations, pointing out that their origin and their dress code is irrelevant, as Germany is a multicultural society which will benefit from the vibrancy they will bring to the table.
Refugee advocate Barbara Lerner Spectre echoed Merkel's claim with the comment that "The real problem is that Germans have not yet accepted the realities of globalism and the inevitability of multiculturalism." She advised Germans in Yiddish to "Get with it and keep up with the times...after all, being swamped by an alien people hostile to your core values is not the end of the world....it's just the end of Western Civilization."
In anticipation of a further exodus of these stone age hunter-gatherers, Merkel is calling upon other EU countries to do their bit in shouldering the burden and take in their fair share of these wretched folk who underneath it all, are just like us. Her aides say that she has no plans to consult with the German people before embarking on this bold, unilateral humanitarian initiative. It is furthermore expected that Merkel will be featured on the front page of Time Magazine as Statesman of The Year.