|Chinese Cultural Revolution: Penitent "counter-revolutionaries" on display|
Navigating through a labyrinth of government agencies, departments, and ministries to locate the appropriate service provider or information source can be exhausting and time-consuming, to say the least. To remedy this problem, governments at both the federal and provincial level have established central directories to efficiently steer citizens to the department best able address their questions.
These centres are one-stop points of contact for hundreds of services provided on behalf of government ministries, agencies, corporations, various levels of government, and private sector organizations. They provide toll-free access to basic government information to millions of callers.
Sadly, however, no contact centre has been available to capture the growing number of callers who have been accused, tried, and convicted by the main-stream media for off-hand comments judged hateful, insensitive, sexist, racist, homophobic or 'Islamophobic'. These callers are desperate to make immediate amends by contacting the identity group they have offended. In such cases, timing is decisive. A tardy apology can be a career-ending mistake with serious social repercussions. Finding the right contact quickly can be the difference between damage control and damage out-of-control.
With this in mind, the Government is pleased to announce the formation of a new service — the Department of Grovelling Apologies (DOGA), which allows thought criminals to confess and recant instantly, demonstrating their sincere contrition to the appropriate representatives of the CA (Constantly Aggrieved) community before the public crucifixion.
DOGA can be reached by calling 1-884-8458 (1-88GUILT) or by email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Politicians who are called upon to apologize for past wrongs committed by Citizens of European origin seven or more decades ago can fast-track their ethnic-ass-kissing inquiries by phoning 1-782-2377 (1-SUCCESS).
Like any government bureaucracy, DOGA seeks to show that a substantial number of citizens avail themselves of its service. So using the East German model, DOGA will work in conjunction with various "Hate Lines" that allow informers to report thought crimes and expose those who commit them. These emergency-response services fall under the auspices of The Committee for Public Safety, which is charged with the maintenance of "safe zones" on university campuses so that students can be protected from politically incorrect speech.
To better serve its clients, DOGA also offers computer-generated apology letters customized to mollify specific grievance groups. These letters can be downloaded online from its website at www.westernselfloathing.ca. Alternatively, DOGA provides generic letters that need only slight revisions to personalize the message and give recipients the impression that you have made a special effort to apologize to them expressly. These pre-fabricated apologies begin with sentences like:
"Please accept my deep apology for making that sexist remark on Twitter" ...or
"Please accept my deep apology for making the racist comments that were secretly recorded in the privacy of my home and used without compunction or reservation by the media" ...or
"Please accept my deep apology for being a privileged white male of European descent" ....or
"Please understand that as a man I now accept that merely by virtue of my gender I am responsible for the rape culture on campus" ...or
"I am profoundly sorry for what you say my ancestors did to your ancestors a century ago" ...DOGA also offers clients another option, based on the concept of a mortgage down payment. As homebuyers are made to understand, an upfront down payment reduces long-term costs. Applying the same principle, DOGA offers "Pre-Emptive Apology Letters" which can be sent to a wide range of identity/grievance groups and ethno-cultural organizations before you make that ill-considered, spontaneous, off-the-cuff, politically incorrect remark or joke when your guard is down. In other words, your apology will be "in the bank" so that offended lobbies can quickly access them when the occasion arises, and your thought-crime can be instantly erased before it triggers an avalanche of censure and outrage.
In forming the Department of Grovelling Apologies, the Government has shown that it is fully cognizant of the need for "Reconciliation" in this increasingly multi-ethnic society. In the interests of social harmony, the formally dominant Privileged White Male Euro-North-American Class must forfeit any pretence of dignity or expectation of respect by confessing its sins and eschewing any right to self-preservation. So do yourself and the community a favour. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness now.